I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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