my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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