Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
