Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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