I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
