Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
