i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
