is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
