nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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