; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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