Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't turn off my feet"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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