Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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