Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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