Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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