It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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