Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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