As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
