i think my tv is drunk
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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