Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize