Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
