I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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