he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
