You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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