The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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