Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
