It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I enjoy the company of your penis
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