So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
