it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
