If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize