update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
