I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
