clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
