I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
