Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
