bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
