My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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