last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
