She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
