so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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