Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
