FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
