His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
