Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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