The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
