why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
