the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
