i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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