Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
