So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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