also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
