Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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