There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw a hot homeless man
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
