Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
