I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
