you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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