I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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