You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize