I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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