I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
