I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
