It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
