Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
